Silencing the soul

It took a leap into the air to see what I saw....How things have changed! How I have changed!                                                                     

I don’t recollect when it all started. When did the opinions and perceptions of others started weighing more than mine. What I want hardly matters to those others. But the more scary part is that I am walking towards becoming those others. I have never done this before. It hurts to come to terms with what I have brought onto myself.

Somewhere down the road, I lost my way eventually disowning my own feelings and emotions. I have left the safe shores of my self assured soul diving into the unexplored waters of unknown emotions. The trashy waves are new to me. They have all the strength in the world to carry me wherever they want. It feels like I have dived into this ice cold water and am trying to scream in the face of water all around me. And all that comes out of my mouth is my repressed somethings.

Something or everything- it hardly matters. When it is not heard, it does not exist. I am alienating myself, leaving behind an orphan; an orphan who is incapable of surviving alone. It shall die if not heard. Its very existence will be wiped off in retrospect from the time-line. As if it never existed. How unfortunate it would be to be but not exist at all.

It is emotionally wrenching to live in conflict, especially when you are capable of putting up a fight. But you are forced to stay put. Nothing is more heart breaking than to lose a battle without fighting. My silences are drowning my yearning to live, to breathe. I am slowly becoming another person- a stranger to my own self.

I want to fight. I want to speak and express. I am capable of opinions. They deserve to be heard. I want them to be heard and accepted without any verdict. I do not grant anyone the liberty of showering uncalled verdicts. I crave acceptance and love.