I am fine...but I am afraid

Unexplained goodbyes

That Feeling! The need of closure. The urge to start afresh…

I see a strong jute rope. My hands trace the built of the rope. There is a knot in the middle of the rope.  It does not feel right. As if the knot is not meant to be there. It somehow feels misplaced. It leaves me feeling uneasy. I try to look for the rope's ends to open it. But I cannot find them. There are no ends! My heart starts panicking. It feels as if I am running out of time. I try harder with all my focus on finding the ends, but still can’t find them. This is exactly that feeling! It feels like a knot in the middle of nowhere. This is how it feels to not have closure. It feels like I will have to live with this feeling forever until the end of time.

As you try to start reading the next chapter of the novel, the missing end of the last chapter keeps you occupied. The possible endings of the last chapter keep clouding your trail into the next chapter. With the unsaid endings you leave a part of your dreams, hopes, and your soul tucked away in the rusted pages of the last chapter.

"As I try to move ahead,

It grapples me with all it has,

The harder I try,

The more stronger it grows,

No matter how hard I try,

I cant shake it off,

It pulls me down,

It shoves me in.

I struggle to breathe

I struggle to love!"

I am..

                                             I bask in the warmth of the daylight,
                                             But I am not the sun. 

                                             I play in the cold stares of the night,
                                             But I am not the moon.

                                             I am not what you want me to be,

                                             I can never be what you wish me to be,

                                             I am my own person,
                                             I am what I wish to be..

It was never meant to be perfect..

Roses are one of the most beautiful flowers. If I were to hand you a bouquet of flowers, would you be able to pick the most beautiful rose in the lot? (assuming that they are all equally fresh?). the answer is mostly 'No'. You just pick one of lot which looks beautiful to you, the one which looks right to you.

Even if you choose one, you would not be able to substantiate as to why you did not pick the rest. Sometimes it is just difficult. 

The beauty lies in living this imperfect life...

This is a close resemblance to our lives. We are constantly in search of the perfect life. We find our lives difficult because we try to find the perfect solutions to the imperfect questions, perfect reactions to imperfect situations, perfect life for the imperfect destinies. 

If it were meant to be perfect, it would already be perfect...right from the beginning. May be the lone purpose of this life is to learn acceptance - Acceptance of this universe, its imperfections, its flaws and its shortcomings; Acceptance of your soul's imperfections.

The earlier we accept our truth, the easier our journey would be..

Why I dont have goals

Goals

I hate that word. It signifies a compulsion, a self imposed one may be but a compulsion for sure. When i am left alone on a football field i dont kick the ball into the goal post. There might be many who find it enticing to score a goal. Not me..      

I do not have goals. I have dreams. I have wishes. And all of them are beyond this world. My dreams are not restricted to my job, my salary, my versace and guccis. My dreams are surreal. I do not wish to give  importance to just this physical world. Because there is far too much than what meets the eye.     

I hate to zero down on goals. For me each day, each emotion, each relationship is a goal post.

I wish to challenge the ignorance that lies within us. I wish to challenge the ignorance of my soul. I dream to know more than I  know today, accept more than I did yesterday. I dream of allowing myself to experience and live each and every emotion that i am capable of. It is very easy to witness yourself go green with envy and still not be aware of your feelings. I wish to lower my guard down to witness the       vulnerability and the insecurity. I dream of being able to know and witness how I feel. Being aware of how I feel is a soul cleansing process which forces me to see how human I am.  Its my dream to be able to look at me objectively. I dream to push the boundaries that I, my family, the society have knowingly or unknowingly imposed on me.

Open your eyes to the wonderful universe!

“Love thyself

Love thy Life”

Most necessarily in that order! Love yourself. Look around and enjoy the quirks of nature.

For once do not get up to the noise of an alarm clock. Let the sun shine bright till the red insides of your eyes force you to wake up to the warm new day.

Breathe in the serene mornings with all your senses. Feel the cool air brush through your hideous manes. Don’t worry about how puffy your face is going to look. Again close your eyes and try to unearth your sweet sleep in the knowing that a beautiful world awaits you thereafter. Open your eyes when your soul is ready and excited to begin its day. Look around for the beautiful white clouds strutting their different shapes and sizes on the stunning blue canvas while the wind tries to blow them off :)

Everything’s moving as if there is no time or space binding them. Imagine the same for yourself too. There is no need to rush. No need to hurry. You have all the time in the world to sit and stare.

As you watch the sun moves up the light blue canvas. The trees go swish and swash to the tunes of the wind. You also see them eagerly waiting for the wind when there is none. The birds keeping chirping busy in their lives, enjoying and celebrating the dawn.

As the day goes by, the roads are melting in the sultry heat while they ferry all the willing to their destinations. Everyone is busy trying fulfilling their destinies.

As the sun goes down, the stage is set for a new play. The new scene calls for new characters- the moon, the stars, the owls. The stage is set for the clouds and the moon. The background of the stage turns pink from blue as if blushing to the arrival of the moon. Watch the birds head home as if to leave the moon to romance the night alone. The stars come out looking to take a peek at the romantic night. It makes for a spectacular view. The coolness of the night makes up for the energy lost in the day.                                                               

The night is set to take you a little closer to your dreams while you ready yourself for a new dawn.

Close your eyes, breathe out your thoughts. Make some space for new ones. Discover your universe.

No roads are wrong...sometimes there are more bends on some roads!

"One of the most hardest decisions you will ever face is to whether to walk away or try harder"

 Take decisions which make you happy. Rather than weighing the rightness of your decision, weigh your happiness. Whether your decision will turn out to be right or wrong is always dependent on your tomorrows, not your todays. And nothing is promised as far as tomorrow is concerned. It may never come!

That is how trivial our life is in view of time. So why base our decisions on what might happen tomorrow. Any decision is worth taking if that is what makes you happy today. In retrospect your life is going to be a blot of happy spots. So contribute to your happiness. Choose your happiness factors. Allow them to grow in light of your dreams. Do not deter their growth with your doubts about the future.

If some thing makes you sunny happy, go ahead and do it. When you know it matters to you, you are going to try to make it work. And when you sincerely work towards your cause, something good will come out of it. Irrespective of whether it turns out to be what you intended, it is going to be worth the shot. Atleast you will live your purpose rather than living the so called ‘correct life’ defined by the society.

It is your life. Dare to live it on your own terms. Terms which make you happy should dictate your life. Be not afraid to take decisions. These decisions are the defining factors of your life, your happiness.

 

Breathe In..Breathe Out

"What Lies behind us &

  What Lies Ahead of us

  Is far more pale in comparison to our TODAY!"

Life is simple and easy. We have complicated the matters so much that things have got out of hand. And then we conclude that we were ecologically speaking destined to doom!

I like taking long walks on my own. It gives me a sense of grip on my life. We are so much surrounded by chaos that you need some quite time to clear the shit out of your mind. But I cannot remember when was the last time that I have truly been “in the moment” on any of those walks. I don’t remember enjoying the picturesque around. We are just too busy to do the obvious…

This is the story of everyone’s life. We don’t bother to see how beautiful this world really is. The passing busses, crowded trains, colourful clothes clad eunuchs, honking traffic, beggars, are as beautiful and stunning as the clouds moving across the blue sky, cold air blowing in your face, the rustling of the leaves due to wind, small hurricane like storms forming of the garbage and dust around. Everything is beautiful.

Our days are filled with either thoughts of our past or dreams and hopes for our future. So there is no space left for our present in our lives!

If living in your present is the obvious how did we adapt a different road? The answer lies in our past..our childhood. Remember the times when we fell down while running around playing hide and seek or blind man’s game? We used to cry like there will be no tomorrow! Our parents especially mothers used to distract us by making up some story about your friend or reminding you of the amazing circus you went to last week or making promises to take you out to your favourite ice cream parlour if you stopped crying. And how it worked! We did not stop crying because we were being offered a lucrative bribe. We stopped crying because it eased your pain. Or to rather put it simply, it distracted you from your pain. When in pain think about your glorious future or your beautiful moments of past! We have all been brought up wrongly. We grew up with the easier but in the long run more painful beliefs. This is what we do even today.

We have gone to adapt this mechanism so well that it does not seem flawed at all. Rather it has become our second nature though not natural. This system of ignoring your pain or distracting yourself from the ugly reality till the time you don’t feel any pain or hurt is how this defense mechanism works.

When we are hurting, we spent a few hours or some times a few days grieving. Then our mind readies itself to get out of the grieving process i.e. to move on. We do that by either going over the past memories again and again or by trying to see ourselves in an exponentially happy future.

In this wrestle between the past and the future we forget to live in our present.

The idea here is to remind people to accept and acknowledge your NOW. If you are in pain, allow your soul to feel every rip in your heart. Let it for once tear you apart. Feel the hurt in each and every ounce of your self. Cry, grieve, but keep on breathing. Shallow breathes, Slow breaths, Deep breaths. Breathe in your anguish and breathe out your disappointments. Let it leave you tattered. But at least it will leave…We make the mistake of treating those painful moments as precious memories. These memories dont make us who we are but they are undoubtedly an underlying cause of who we are. They are not us per se. For the wound to heal it is important that you separate the wound from what is hurting it. You cannot expect your stab wound to heal with the knife in it! As gross it may sound, it is the truth of our lives.

So breathe in your present coz it is beautiful. If your today is beautiful so will be your tomorrow. Accept life..

Perception - See me as I am not as you are..

"What I perceive is my reality

What you perceive is your reality

There is no reality as such

Only perceptions!"

Ever wondered how we see things? We as humans have been endowed with multiple senses. And that is how we complicate things! Whenever an event, story, person, thing, incident presents itself infront of us, we try to go beyond what meets the eye. We try to interpret and analyse the information or situation on hand…and that is how we nail it. Like we say curiosity killed the cat…

Every information presented before us is incomplete or ambiguous in some way most of the time. We try to fill in the gaps in the story. We try to seek to simplify and reason with whatever means we have. This is where the process of perceiving starts.

Perception happens so effortlessly, that most of the time we are not aware of how our perception is making us wrongly interpret information. We ourselves are skewing our perception. Some of the factors which affect our perception are so deeply imbibed in our lives, that we mistake these factors to be a part of who we are. The way we see this world shall weave our reality. And who wants to live a false reality!

Our past experiences, our beliefs about religion, morals, values affect our perception. We see each situation in light of these factors. Since this is an unconscious effort, we do not realise the impact it has on how we interpret things. The flaw lies not in the process of perception but in being aware of the factors influencing our perception. We need to go back to analysing these factors everytime we try to make a decision. We need to make sure that our illogical or irrelevant thoughts do not skew our perception of the situation at hand.

The easier option is to empathise and listen. Listen to the opinion of others. It is nothing but their perception. It does not mean that you become submissive to other’s ideas. It is just another way of seeing the same thing in a different. When you accept other’s perception you are minimizing the chances of errors in your judgement. This is what I would call keeping an open mind.

The key to taking just decisions is to challenge yourself, challenge your fears, your perceptions, and your beliefs. You need not change your beliefs but you need to take a look at the larger picture.