The Outlet

Once I was walking to work from the railway station. One of my colleagues happened to join me. He looked all worked up. I asked him what was wrong. I was in for an interesting narration of what had transpired. Apparently there was a man caught doing something ‘inappropriate’ in the crowds. The rest of the crowd, the self-proclaimed moral policing officers had taken it upon them to bring this man to justice. A few man started beating him and my dear friend joined them for the feast. It was a feast of peace. Everyone wanted a piece and a pie of it. My friend explained how they girdled the man and had beaten the shit out of him. They almost brought the railways to a halt. The pride with which the narration was being accompanied was surprising. My curiosity got better of me. I wanted to know what crime had justified such usurping of the judiciary. I asked my friend what had the man done. Funnily enough he was not sure! Or rather he did not know! He went “I think he must have stolen a mobile or something”. Here I was standing before a man who just a few minutes ago had acted like the judiciary and awarded some random man a punishment of punches and kicks for a crime he assumed that he may have committed.

This incident left me wondering. My friend here had something to take away from this event. Intrigued by his behaviour, I asked him why he bothered so much; why did he shell out his precious time for this. I was expecting an explanation which would contain more words like ethics, morals, values, honesty. But his explanation had none of it. His answer was as naked as the truth can get. He did not shroud it with the pleasing sounding values. He said, “ I enjoyed it. I got rid of all the frustration that has been piling up for weeks. I feel at peace!”

I am quite sure his truth is the truth which almost everyone in that crowd shared unknowingly. The frustration and anger is at its brim and there is no outlet. Hence whenever there is even a miniscule possibility, we pour it all out in one go.

What remains to be seen is how far do we get..

We are at war with 'Emotions'

The human race's prospects of survival were considerably better when we were defenseless against tigers than they are today when we have become defenseless against ourselves.

-       Arnold J. Toynbee

Our forefathers have survived in the wild when they had practically no technological means of defending themselves against the wild. From that point onwards, we have come a long way. We have been able to use our intellect to technologically advance and therefore survive the many threats posed by the external world. But have we survived the worse, or are we heading towards it?

Today, there is one grave black cloud hovering over the existence of humans. i.e. Emotions. We are knowingly or unknowingly at war with emotions. The cup of our life is brimming with emotions. We are all too full. Any random act or event is sufficient to catalyze a massive spill. And that spill can be grave enough to threaten our existence. Emotions are fuelling most of the problems around the world.

We are seeing a major surge in hate crimes. Recently a student of Indian origin shot dead his research guide out of frustration before killing self. The mass shooting in Orlando was against the LGBT community. There is apparently a cult operating in India against the rational thinkers, who have also been accused of hate- motivated murders of three well known rational thinkers. In the remote areas of India, honour killings are still prevalent. Racially motivated crimes are on the rise. Terrorism is at its peak. Suicides are increasing across all economies. People are carrying out violent rallies against those expressing their opinions.

We do not know as yet how to deal with emotions. Emotions are a summation of our feelings, thoughts and beliefs. All of these three ingredients are subjective and vary from person to person. Therefore emotions are not absolute. And when something is not absolute, you have to ensure that you do not shell out reactions- both physical and vocal on others based on emotions without screening them.

With emotion- induced actions on a rise, I wonder if we are heading towards the end. We are all well equipped with everything we need to destroy ourselves. From nuclear weapons to the motivation, we have it all. It remains to see whether we are able to survive ourselves.

To Love

To my love,

I love the way you look at me. Your eyes talk to me about love and about us. Your eyes are brimming with stories - stories about our beautiful tomorrows that await me.

Your eyes exude warmth and promises. The warmth it showers weaves a cocoon of your love around me. It makes me feel at home. It makes me want to stay in this warm cocoon forever.

I can see love in your eyes. I can also feel how hard they are trying to assure me of your love. It feels as if your eyes are mouthing ‘I really love you, Believe me please’. The effort is so palpable. Time and again, I have wished that for once, they would not mouth what they invariably would. It makes me want to look away. It makes me want to look within.

Every time I look into your eyes, I question myself. It makes me question my presence. I wonder if I really deserve so much love. It makes me feel unworthy. It makes me feel unjust, unable to reciprocate the love and warmth that you shower on me. It makes me realize that I am falling short. Your eyes not only mouth your assurances but also mirror my insecurities. It shows me my reflection which makes me cringe. I badly want to give you what you duly deserve, nothing less. I want to give all of myself.

I want to love you. I want to cherish you. But I am unable to. The fear of losing control over my emotions makes it hard. I am afraid to become vulnerable. I am afraid to experience the emotions which I never thought I was capable of. I am scared to lower my guards.

I want to take a step ahead and dig my face into your sweaty chest. I want to leave behind my inhibitions and love you with all I have. I want to bear my soul to you.

I want to be able to love you like you do.

While I begin my journey from me to you, wish me luck!

-         

      Yours Always

Silencing the soul

It took a leap into the air to see what I saw....How things have changed! How I have changed!                                                                     

I don’t recollect when it all started. When did the opinions and perceptions of others started weighing more than mine. What I want hardly matters to those others. But the more scary part is that I am walking towards becoming those others. I have never done this before. It hurts to come to terms with what I have brought onto myself.

Somewhere down the road, I lost my way eventually disowning my own feelings and emotions. I have left the safe shores of my self assured soul diving into the unexplored waters of unknown emotions. The trashy waves are new to me. They have all the strength in the world to carry me wherever they want. It feels like I have dived into this ice cold water and am trying to scream in the face of water all around me. And all that comes out of my mouth is my repressed somethings.

Something or everything- it hardly matters. When it is not heard, it does not exist. I am alienating myself, leaving behind an orphan; an orphan who is incapable of surviving alone. It shall die if not heard. Its very existence will be wiped off in retrospect from the time-line. As if it never existed. How unfortunate it would be to be but not exist at all.

It is emotionally wrenching to live in conflict, especially when you are capable of putting up a fight. But you are forced to stay put. Nothing is more heart breaking than to lose a battle without fighting. My silences are drowning my yearning to live, to breathe. I am slowly becoming another person- a stranger to my own self.

I want to fight. I want to speak and express. I am capable of opinions. They deserve to be heard. I want them to be heard and accepted without any verdict. I do not grant anyone the liberty of showering uncalled verdicts. I crave acceptance and love.

The Pain of living

Sometimes I wish the pain did not exist. Sometimes I wish our heart could be immune to emotional upheavels. I wish it would hurt a little less than the last time.

I wish those painful pasts and the those hurtful memories could leave me forever. They have created claustrophobic webs around me. It pains to even breathe. I wish those memories could leave me someday. I wish that as my deepest thoughts leave the dark safe world of my soul through my pen onto the paper, they would leave me forever.

A Short something

Whirl!! it went over my head. I lurched to look at the sky. And there it was, the tiny white bird. Had it not been for the noise, the white something would not have got my attention. I used to love air planes. They made me smile. Every evening on a Sunday, daddy used to take me to the narrow by lanes near the church where the old airport stood. The street was narrow and there wasn’t enough space along the road to park Daddy’s bicycle. And there were cars wheezing around. So, he used to drag the bicycle with me sitting on the front seat to the small shop at the corner of the bylane. The shop was closed and the roof of the verandah was completely broken. With the bicycle parked in the abandoned verandah he would help me get down from the bicycle. Then we would park ourselves on the broken porch readying for the beautiful display of airplane show. We used to see all sorts of air planes- big and small ferry in and out. They seemed to be flying out of a box nearby. Daddy told me it is their home nearby. That is where they come to after a tiring flying day. We used to spend the entire evening gazing at the sky. As the sky darkened we would see the planes flying with blinking lights. It looked majestic - the twinkling somethings wheezing around in the sky. They seemed determined to go where they wanted. I used to ask Daddy when could we fly with them. And he used to answer ‘very soon’. As the street started immersing in darkness, Daddy would take out the small torch he carried. There were no street lights on the road. Then he would tie the torch on the handle of the bicycle with the sturdy rubber band, which maa used to tie her hair. He had told me that Maa had gone very far away. I used to wonder where she had gone. She had been so sick that day. And suddenly one day when I came back from school, she was gone. Daddy used to say she went to stay with my granny since she was getting old. With his nearly perished chappals Daddy would pedal me home. The evenings would end with eating roasted peanuts from the small guy standing near the corner of our house.

‘Mumma, when shall we reach home?’ I was jolted back to my world. My 2 year old son was nudging my skirt. I looked around. The warmth of my daddy’s eyes was nowhere to be seen. I craved for the peace and refuge. My yearning was met with the cold white walls of the airport. I looked down at the urn tied with red cloth at its mouth sitting on my lap.

‘We are finally making that trip Daddy’, I said as uninhibited tears poured out from my eyes.

How the love story ended..

'I don't love you anymore. I am sorry but I really don't', he said

It was a nice sunny day. I woke up early that day. He was still sleeping. After all these years, I still loved to see him sleep. His heavy breath making a soft gushing sound. His legs arranged in this peculiar fashion which hadn't changed in past 10 years. That peace on his face was a blessing to watch.

I thought I could make coffee for him by the time he wakes up. I walked across the bedroom towards the kitchen. I filled the kettle with water and left it to brew. By the time I got the mug of coffee to the bed, he was already up checking his phone. I waited for him to catch my eye, just to say good morning. He seemed too occupied to look around. Looked like he had some office work to attend early in the morning. I left the mug on the side table. I went back to the kitchen to get him some fruits. By the looks of it, it didn't seem that he is going to have an easy day. I pick up some bananas from the kitchen. As I entered the bedroom I saw him sorting some papers. It was seeming that I will have to nudge him a little so that he has a decent breakfast before he leaves. The expressions on his face were worrying me. It has been going on since a last few weeks. He seemed to be caught up with something. As if there was something bothering him. He seemed distant. I mentally made a note to talk to him about it that night.

I sighed as I shoved that thought aside. I turned towards him with the bananas in my hands. He too turned towards me as if wanting to talk. I waited for him to start. It has been so many years now that you know when your husband is trying to talk to you. He opened his mouth as if to speak but could not utter a word. He was holding in his hands those office papers which was keeping him occupied this entire morning. I wondered. He held those papers in his hands while fidgeting with them. I looked towards those papers. He was still fidgeting, but the title of those documents gave it away-  DIVORCE AGREEMENT.

All of a sudden I find myself in the middle of this violent storm... a storm of emotions. Its a hurricane. What started off as a light disturbance was turning out to be horrid blow up. Suddenly I was bombarded with a plethora of emotions. I was gripped by their cruel and unforgiving perusals. It was getting darker. The dark clouds of emotions were one on top of the other, toppling over. I had a feeling at the back of my head that the sun shall never come again. Soon there were violent winds howling in my face. The wind was trying to create a suction as if trying to take away all that I have. I was trying to hold my feet firm on the ground. I wrapped my arms around me tightly. I did not wish to give away any part of me. I knew this storm would leave me tattered. And I wanted things to stay the way they were. There was no way I was to allow these emotions to change me. I was unwilling to release the familiar security of my being at the moment. But I could see that my efforts were not enough. The more I tried, the harder it would seem.

There were few of my unanchored emotions which were plying for a firm hold now. They were my envies and insecurities. They seemed to be getting bigger as if they were feeding on my fears. I felt small. They were waiting for me to anchor them to steady waters or disown them forever. I wasn't ready to let go of them as yet. It was too much of an effort to anchor them to safety.

Till now, everything was fine. I was trying to go through the motions without really feeling anything. It was all good until now. I tried to hide my face, wanting to seek solace in the comforting arms of my mother. That is what I craved for.. the feeling that everything shall be well again. I was desperately trying to seek justice. I felt I did not deserve this.

I decided to spare myself the horror and stand up to face the storm. I decided to allow the storm to enter my soul. I lowered my guards. And suddenly out of nowhere these emotions were gripping me. Those emotions could I could feel everything. I was turning into an empath. The strong air of emotions was entering my unoccupied room of thoughts. I decided to accept and acknowledge. I gave myself the permission to feel every rip and every scratch it leaves in my heart. I decided to let it for once tear me apart. I felt each and every ounce of myself retaliating to my thoughts. I was hurting. I cried and grieved. Suddenly my life had been reduced to nothing. I was disappointed with my unawareness of where it was headed. My whole life felt like a lie. I did not know for how long had I been living in this facade. I was angry and disappointed. I felt tattered and tired. I could feel every emotion touching my body, entering and ripping a part of my soul. It felt as if I will not survive this. As I let every emotion kill a part of me, I wonder what will be left behind. May be it will be ‘nothing’ or may be 'everything'.

But I shall keep breathing. Shallow breaths, Slow breaths, Deep breaths- anything that helps me get out of this storm alive. I deserved better. I was worthy of the silver lining in the dark clouds. For now, it is just the dark clouds. But I shall keep breathing...