'I don't love you anymore.
I am sorry but I really don't', he said
It was a nice sunny day.
I woke up early that day. He was still sleeping. After all these years, I still
loved to see him sleep. His heavy breath making a soft gushing sound. His legs arranged
in this peculiar fashion which hadn't changed in past 10 years. That peace on
his face was a blessing to watch.
I thought I could make
coffee for him by the time he wakes up. I walked across the bedroom towards the
kitchen. I filled the kettle with water and left it to brew. By the time I got
the mug of coffee to the bed, he was already up checking his phone. I waited
for him to catch my eye, just to say good morning. He seemed too occupied to
look around. Looked like he had some office work to attend early in the
morning. I left the mug on the side table. I went back to the kitchen to get
him some fruits. By the looks of it, it didn't seem that he is going to have an
easy day. I pick up some bananas from the kitchen. As I entered the bedroom I
saw him sorting some papers. It was seeming that I will have to nudge him a little
so that he has a decent breakfast before he leaves. The expressions on his face
were worrying me. It has been going on since a last few weeks. He seemed to be
caught up with something. As if there was something bothering him. He seemed
distant. I mentally made a note to talk to him about it that night.
I sighed as I shoved that
thought aside. I turned towards him with the bananas in my hands. He too turned
towards me as if wanting to talk. I waited for him to start. It has been so
many years now that you know when your husband is trying to talk to you. He
opened his mouth as if to speak but could not utter a word. He was holding in
his hands those office papers which was keeping him occupied this entire morning.
I wondered. He held those papers in his hands while fidgeting with them. I looked
towards those papers. He was still fidgeting, but the title of those documents
gave it away- DIVORCE AGREEMENT.
All of a sudden I find
myself in the middle of this violent storm... a storm of emotions. Its a
hurricane. What started off as a light disturbance was turning out to be horrid
blow up. Suddenly I was bombarded with a plethora of emotions. I was gripped by
their cruel and unforgiving perusals. It was getting darker. The dark clouds of
emotions were one on top of the other, toppling over. I had a feeling at the
back of my head that the sun shall never come again. Soon there were violent winds
howling in my face. The wind was trying to create a suction as if trying
to take away all that I have. I was trying to hold my feet firm on the ground. I
wrapped my arms around me tightly. I did not wish to give away any part of me.
I knew this storm would leave me tattered. And I wanted things to stay the way
they were. There was no way I was to allow these emotions to change me. I was
unwilling to release the familiar security of my being at the moment. But I
could see that my efforts were not enough. The more I tried, the harder it would
seem.
There were few of my
unanchored emotions which were plying for a firm hold now. They were my envies
and insecurities. They seemed to be getting bigger as if they were feeding on
my fears. I felt small. They were waiting for me to anchor them to steady
waters or disown them forever. I wasn't ready to let go of them as yet. It was
too much of an effort to anchor them to safety.
Till now, everything was
fine. I was trying to go through the motions without really feeling anything.
It was all good until now. I tried to hide my face, wanting to seek solace in
the comforting arms of my mother. That is what I craved for.. the feeling that
everything shall be well again. I was desperately trying to seek justice. I
felt I did not deserve this.
I decided to spare myself
the horror and stand up to face the storm. I decided to allow the storm to
enter my soul. I lowered my guards. And suddenly out of nowhere these emotions
were gripping me. Those emotions could I could feel everything. I was turning
into an empath. The strong air of emotions was entering my unoccupied room of
thoughts. I decided to accept and acknowledge. I gave myself the permission to
feel every rip and every scratch it leaves in my heart. I decided to let it for
once tear me apart. I felt each and every ounce of myself retaliating to my
thoughts. I was hurting. I cried and grieved. Suddenly my life had been reduced
to nothing. I was disappointed with my unawareness of where it was headed. My
whole life felt like a lie. I did not know for how long had I been living in
this facade. I was angry and disappointed. I felt tattered and tired. I could
feel every emotion touching my body, entering and ripping a part of my soul. It
felt as if I will not survive this. As I let every emotion kill a part of me, I
wonder what will be left behind. May be it will be ‘nothing’ or may be
'everything'.
But I shall keep
breathing. Shallow breaths, Slow breaths, Deep breaths- anything that helps me
get out of this storm alive. I deserved better. I was worthy of the silver
lining in the dark clouds. For now, it is just the dark clouds. But I shall
keep breathing...
